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You couldn’t make it up!

Looting a Poundland or stealing water – our riot idiots have nothing on these demi-wits mainly from across the pond. 

These apparently true stories make some of our rioters look positively Einstein next to the feckless persons contained in them. Please enjoy these little anecdotes though bear in mind, whilst doing so, that these people can bear progeny and presumambly vote in their own countries!

1. California – during a hold-up in Long Beach, would-be robber James Elliot’s .38 revolver failed to fire at his intended victim. Accordingly, he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked – goodbye.

2. Switzerland – an insurance company smelled a rat when the chef at a hotel lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim. The company sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.

3. Chicago – having shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car, a man returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space – he shot her.

4. Zimbabwe – a bus driver was transporting 20 mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar he found they had escaped. Resourceful as he was, he went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He delivered them to the mental hospital and duped the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. It took three days to discover the deception.

5. America – a teenager received serious head wounds from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, he told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. Louisiana – a man walked into a Circle-K store and asked the assistant for change for a $20 bill that he placed on the counter. When the assistant opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the till. The assistant duly did his bidding and the man ran for it leaving the $20 bill behind. The till contained $15.

7. Arkansas – deciding that he wasn’t going to buy a drink a man attempted a smash and grab raid on a liqour store. Grabbing a brick he hurled it at the window. The brick bounced back hitting the would-be thief on the head, knocking him out cold. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. New York – a female shopper was leaving a convenience store when a man grabbed her purse and ran. The assistant called the police immediately and, on the woman’s detailed description of the snatcher, the police soon apprehended him. They drove him back to the store whereupon he was taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. He interjected, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

9. Michigan  – a local news crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti at 5 A.M, brandishing a gun and demanding cash. The assistant told him that he couldn’t open the till without a food order. The man ordered onion rings which the assistant said were not available for breakfast. Frustrated the man walked away.

10. Seattle – police arrived at a crime scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol, but he got much more than he bargained for when plugged his siphon into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.

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