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'STOP PRESS - THE LUNATICS ARE RUNNING THE ASSYLUM.'
In a dramatic move, HM Government has announced that thousands of lives will be saved once the ban on the sale of barometers containing mercury comes into force.
Government spokesperson, Coco the Clown, said last night, "This ban is our latest attempt to shaft another industry that has little impact on treasury coffers but shows how robust 'New' Labour is when it comes to protecting British citizens and just how intent we are, like a load of lemmings, to follow every dippy rule that comes from our European masters, despite the ruination of those people who sell barometers." He added, "The British people know how quickly we banned foot and mouth disease and how we allowed the continuation of birds, possibly infected with Avian Influenza, to be imported from Hungary. It is part of this country's great tradition to follow the rules no matter how this may affect its people. We signed up to a common market,. ....Cough, splutter. European Union and just because the French banned British beef, because it might have BSE, doesn't mean that we should protect our people by stopping possibly infected birds coming in from another member state. That would be against the rules. We would rather urinate into the Ocean by banning the sale of barometers that have a minute amount of mercury enclosed within glass that could only escape if somebody threw their £1,000 antique barometer out of a window at a visitor from DEFRA."
He carped on "We will continue to support British farmers, in conjunction with our partners the supermarkets, by importing food from God knows where, but only from those poorer countries that can produce it more cheaply because they don't have the fag of pandering to European rules, on hygiene and safety standards, where labour is ten bob a day and people don't wash their hands."
The move was supported by Basil Brush who said last night "Just think how many lives the hunting ban saved - boom boom".
In an interview with the widow of a soldier killed in Iraq, Mr Clown admitted that he did not know how many people had died from the effects of Mercury poisoning, in the last century, but did have some statistics on the number of deaths related to road accidents and the effects of smoking. When asked whether cars or smoking were to be banned Mr Clown said, "Unlike the Tories, we believe that people in this country have freedom of choice. A complete ban on smoking and cars would be unbearable for vendors of barometers who also smoke and need a car to get to the dole office. The amount of duty we coin in from the sale of fags and fuel has nothing to do with it".
For information on how to safely dispose of your once valuable barometers containing mercury, please contact your local environment agency.
Anyway, must go, I'm off to the dentist for a filling.
Note - the above article expresses the writer's personal opinions on the premise that the country is still a democracy. No animals were hurt in the production of this article and the names of characters have been changed to protect the innocent. Terms and conditions apply, always read the label. Thanks for listening.
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