A happy New Year.

A few comments for a cold January day.

NO SEX PLEASE WE’RE AMERICAN. It would seem that the effects of the alleged economic crisis have no bounds and that even sex is in recession. You may or may not have heard this little beauty, but whilst listening to the news on radio two’s Wogan show this week, I sat in amused wonderment to a report suggesting that the US pornographic industry may seek some ‘injection’ or even ‘insertion’ of funds from the US government (honest – straight up). Apparently, the reasons cited are the effects of the economic crisis in America putting people off a bit of rumpy. Gadzooks – only in America, a nation of cow ‘pokes’ if ever there was one. In the words of one John McEnroe “You can’t be serious”. Any bets on whether the Yanks are daft enough to ‘pump’ some filthy lucre into this job? Answers on a betting slip if you please.

Secondly, GREY IS THE NEW BLACK. Those greyish men sitting on the Monetary Policy Committee (you know them – they kept the base rate high because of worries about inflation and are now worried about deflation), have reduced the rate again and we are at the lowest base rate ever we are told – well ‘ain’t that a kick in the head’? In truth, this will have about as much impact as our dear Chancellor reducing the rate of VAT and it is as useful to the economy as a glass eye at keyhole. Just how many of the ‘bankers’ will pass on this cut and how keen will it make lender’s to lend when credit is already restricted? Why in the name of blazes should this cut make a blind bit of difference when what is required is something bold and innovative; the sort of boldness and enterprise for which this land once knighted those able to conjure it, instead of overpaid sportsmen and newscasters (for services no doubt to newscasting). You see, some of the banks already have our money and won’t lend it back to us. They have spent it on, to quote accountant’s verbiage, repairing their balance sheets. Forgive me dear government, but wasn’t the commitment of billions of taxpayers money meant to yield some sort of advantage to us and if so where the ‘eck is it? As I speak lenders and banks, which made fat from us in the good times, are now lending less, charging greater margins and are taking the Mick. We’re still here doing our best for our customers and always will be, but things need to change. Rather than ship off a load more cash into the black hole, what this government needs to do is to fund lenders – yes that’s right, put the money up for non- clearing banks or non-deposit takers and allow them to do what they were doing before the other finance mobs stopped lending to them via securitisation (no money should be given to American institutions who quickly ran for it when the heat in the kitchen became too much for their sensitivities). Alternatively, why not set up a new bank or extend the facilities at Northern Rock, which the taxpayer owns?  In other words, if the banks won’t lend, why not the government which represents the taxpayer? I should point out that I would not advocate the bank being run by civil servants – hell no, but why not an entrepreneur like, say, Branson as a joint venture. This would stimulate some competition and wake these feckless bankers up. Doubtless, there would be some rhetoric about the crisis being global and all the rest of it. Hang the global economy, what counts now is our own. If banks cannot borrow globally, the government can; it has already done so for its own questionable public funding policy. Were it to do so again and this time the investment was properly made into the UK economy by funding small business, which is the engine room thereof, we might see some tangible results. As for some of the banks, they will then have to enjoy sex and travel and they are welcome to it.

In a previous article, didn’t I say that the £12 billion pound VAT ‘give away’ was worthless? This has now been ratified by many of the large retailers (not including Woolies) reporting that it had no impact at all on sales. Given that much of the current ‘crisis’ is being suffered by the housing market would it not have been better to suspend stamp duty for a while. This, coupled with the Bank of Britain, advocated above would be much more meaningful and sensible. Let’s hope by 2010 we have a change of government – one that does not have a cabinet meeting outside of the smoke at a cost of £200,000 to the taxpayer.

And finally, our man Darling has apparently been talking about getting more money into the economy by printing it – great idea? When this happened in Germany, after a sort of crisis between 1914 and 1918, the odd Fritz would take his cash to Tescoubermarketen in a wheelbarrow to buy a pat of butter. Why you may ask? – because printing money devalues your currency and can cause inflation. Merely by our interest rate cuts, the old pound has been suffering against other currencies so why not add a little more misery? Still our exports will become a little more competitive and we have many exports don’t we?  Er er ……….. what do we produce here? Cars – nope (sorry folks but there ain’t a British owned car manufacturer out there – above all, it isn’t a Rover), planes – er………. nope, ships – used to but nope. I know – food……………no, no, no, Tesco imports that for us from amongst other places Poland, together with shaggy beef from South America.

As the bard has it, ‘Now is the winter of our discontent’. We need to say cheerio to Gordon me thinks.

We are still here and striding on – call us to discuss if you so wish.

Bon chance!

This is Mark Bracegirdle, News at anytime you like, Cheshire.